~Things don't change. People do.~

I changed. You changed. We changed. Whether you want to admit it or not, we all did change. Maybe drastically, or maybe just a tinnie winnie bit. For better, or for worse. My point is, we are all just normal human beings. Sometimes we have no choice but to make certain changes in order to keep things running smoothly. Whether you like it or not, it is quite inevitable.

There was (or still is) quite a huge misunderstanding between me and my (ex) friends, and it has been going on for a couple of months. All along I thought I was at fault, so I thought, maybe I do deserve to be 'punished'. Feeling ashamed and sorry of my own action, I thought I don't deserve them. However, I found out later on that things don't seem/sound right. At least not the way it went around to other people's ears. And you know, how gossips spread like wildfire in an all girls' school. Just as I was trying to gather my guts (considering the size of my ego, it wasn't that easy) to explain myself/apologise/clear things up/talk things out, I was ditched(literally) in, well... in my opinion, an unkind manner. The incident(which I don't really want to mention again) sort of blew away all my thoughts of patching things up with them again. Since then, I (or rather, WE) left the whole matter unattended. Practically ignored each other's presence whenever we bumped into each other.

Along the way, I heard different stories from different people. As for myself, I still am not too sure of what happened. Some stories were rather convincing. I listened, but I did not really take them into account. Of course, I know that most of them are fictions, and does not do any good to my reputation. Ironically, for ONCE I kept my big mouth shut even though I knew I was not (or at least, not the only one) who should be blamed. Only reason? I was aware that there's something much more important and it deserved my full concentration, SPM. That moment, I know I changed.

Recently, I found out about some pretty harsh and ridiculous rumours about me, and these has been going on for quite a while. Also, some cold hard truth which I would rather not know. Not like I have a choice. I already do.

It is not like that. It is NOT! Why did you make things sound so awful? It is not like that! Just because of your own selfishness, I lost them! I know you know the truth. You know the entire story. You know how it started. Whether you found out before or later, you do! Why did you just keep quiet about it? Why didn't you tell them about what you know? Why did you keep quiet about it? You want to see me this way? You like it? You feel good about it? Why? Why victimize me for your own glory? Am I that worthless? We were all friends, weren't we? Even if I was to be blamed for that, you did the exact same thing, or maybe worse! We all make mistakes, don't we? Why point finger at me, blame me for what you did the same? No I did not keep quiet because I know I was wrong. I did not! It was not just because of ego. It was not!

Why don't you put yourself in my position? Imagine, you wake up one day, and the people you call 'darlings' are suddenly gone. Do you really think you can handle this better than me? I know what you did. Whatever you did. All your dirty little secrets. I could have done the exact thing you did. I don't even need to spend time coming up with stories. Just the truths are enough to reveal who you are and whatever you did behind other people's backs. You know what I am capable of doing. And did I? Why?

Revenge? I'm better than that. I'm better than you! Whether who is right and who is wrong, I do not want to judge.I do not bother. It does not mean a thing anymore. YOU don't mean a thing anymore. God knows. And he/she who is wrong will get what he/she deserves. You will face the consequences. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, someway. What goes around, comes around. I learnt from the best.

I do feel stupid. For these few months I searched for many reasons/excuses to explain why you are behaving this way to me. Those cold stares, and whatever backstabbings behind my back. I kept telling myself that it was and cannot possibly be your fault. I blamed everyone else, and also myself to feel better about it, except for you. But NOOOOOOO. I just HAD to find out about what you actually did.

You know what? Get some guts, you ball-less creature. Whatever you did, don't drag the both of them along. They did not say or do anything for nuts. Why use their names to make your stories sound more convincing? They do not know what you have been doing. I DO!

For not explaining myself to them, you think I did that for you? Not telling them whatever you did and said to other poeple, whether it is about me or them, it is for you??? Don't be silly. First rule of friendship, never make your friends choose in between you and others. I can do it. Can you? Ahhh, stupid question, of course not! No, I'm not trying to sound like an angel. Of course, even if I want to, it is too late for me to clear my own name anyway. So I choose not to trouble myself for this childish act of yours.

Yes I miss them like *&@*^!@&*#!). But I'm happy that this conflict has finally come to an end, and so has high school. Whether or not I got to redeem myself, everyone's happy now. I am. They are. And I know you are. It went your way. But really, God knows. Who is right and who is wrong, who will finally get the last laugh, we'll wait and see.

To : You know who you are
Whether the both of you are reading this or not, I just want to apologise to you guys. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I'm sorry that I did not have the guts to patch things up earlier. I'm sorry if I made you guys upset. I really do cherish this friendship we have/had and will never forget those tears and laughters we shared together. Then again, everything is over now. Thanks for giving me some of my most beautiful memories in Sri Aman. I love you guys. Did, do and always will.